I get a lot of emails from women whose husbands are wanting a divorce. Most of these wives are trying decide which course of action is most likely to help them stall until they can figure out how to save the marriage. The other day, someone asked me if they would be better off pushing for a trial separation instead of a divorce. I’ll share my answer with you in the following article.A Trial Separation Versus A Divorce: Which Is Better?: Please note that most people ask me this question as it relates to saving the marriage. I am going to be answering this question from this angle. Deciding which is better in terms of property distribution or in terms of your family and your children will have to be addressed in another article. This one is only going to focus on saving your marriage (or at least giving you both the time to decide what you really want.) And, looking at it through that lens, I firmly believe that if you can steer your husband toward a separation rather than a divorce, you are much better off taking that route.The reason for this is that with the separation, you don’t have the worry of the divorce being “final” on your back. Sure, if things don’t improve, then filing the papers may well be down the road, but things are not quite as immediate and this gives you a little more leeway to take the time that you need without needing to take desperate and often ill advised actions. With that said, even if your husband does proceed with a divorce, the process is generally the same. You want to focus on presenting yourself in the best light, on changing his perception of you and the marriage, and on creating more empathy and understanding – even if you hold off on working through your problems.Wanting Him Back No Matter Whether It’s A Divorce Or Separation That is Looming: So I have no way of knowing which of these scenarios you are facing. Obviously, postponing the divorce is going to be preferable if you can swing this. The best way to present this option is to bring his attention to the fact that some time and distance apart might allow the both of you some perspective and calm that you did not have right now. Make it clear that you will back off and give him the space that he needs through this process.And, if he doesn’t buy this and proceeds with the divorce papers, the advice is really going to be the same, although you might be forced to work more quickly. You want him to know that you love him and want to preserve the marriage, but once you’ve made this point, you don’t need to follow him around and keep repeating it. Believe it or not, this process really can work for you rather than against you, but you’ll often have to play this correctly.Your first goal is going to be to change his perception of this situation as hopeless and / or unchanging. It’s very likely that you’ve come to this place because previous attempts at changing things or making things better have failed and your husband doesn’t believe that this process is going to change drastically enough to make him want to keep trying. So, you need to begin to show him that this can happen and not in a false or fake way that’s going to require too many concessions or too much hard work. This whole process needs to feel very genuine and almost effortless (even though you’ll know that you are putting in the effort.)Don’t gloss over the advantages that you do have. Yes, there may be a lot of water under the proverbial bridge. But, surely you can remember how things used to be. You can surely remember how you used to laugh and talk for hours and could connect seamlessly without much effort. But, here’s what we often don’t realize. It SEEMED to be effortless but in reality, there was a lot that had to happen in order for it to work. You were both likely putting in the time and effort to be available and to really pay attention. You were both on your best behavior and were exhibiting either your best qualities or those qualities that you perceived your spouse liked best.Some where along the way though, we all back off on this. It doesn’t mean that we don’t love or prioritize our spouse anymore. It means that we live in the real world with real responsibilities. Yet, we often don’t understand the full cost of this reality. We are often surprised that the relationship’s strength goes hand in hand with these efforts.And often when we realize this, things have deteriorated so much that we aren’t sure where to start. No matter which situation that you are in, start by making sure that his perceptions of you are positive ones. You know how to do this because you have done it in the past. Present yourself as light hearted and in a positive manner. Make sure that you are eliciting positive emotions. This means no debating or arguing points that don’t matter as much as you may think. Because you want to begin to build a positive give and take before you even begin to think about “working” on your problems. This is likely to read negative to him, so you don’t want to dwell on that right now. That’s not to say that you won’t need to address the issues. You eventually will, but you want to be on firm ground again when you do this.
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